I think my Korean experience has encompassed two of the most extreme forms of Korean culture. From a rural town on a naturally beautiful island or Jeju to the culturally rich densely packed urban metropolis of Seoul, there is no one Korean culture. Obviously Seoul has experienced far more western influence, and Jeju is much more traditional in terms of gender roles, age based hierarchy and so on. So for all the experiences I discuss you can assume they are more extreme in Jeju, but certainly occur, as I have personally witnessed, in Seoul as well.
First and foremost Korea you have to respect your elders. This often means that even if someone if just a few years older than you you’re friendship can never be one of equals. One person will occupy the older brother/sister role, and the other the younger brother/sister role. They will even generally call each other by the Korean word for younger/older sibling.
The idea of ageism is so ingrained into Korean culture that there exists no one word for brother or sister as there does in English, where sibling is considered the most important part of the relationship and one can add a modifier to express the difference in age if they like. In Korean there exist four words, older brother, older sister, younger brother and younger sister. You have no choice but to denote which of you has circumnavigated the sun a greater number of times when discussing your relationship. Along with this, in a mixed age “friendship” the older person is generally responsible for covering the tab at a restaurant, and the younger one must always be careful to show the proper respect to his or her elder.
Gender roles are also equally pronounced and adhered to. My host father works, my host mother cooks and cleans. This extends to the practice where by my mom cooks us dinner but doesn’t sit down to eat until were finished, at which time she will pick at the scraps her sons leave behind as if she is the weaker animal in a pack of dogs. And that’s how it is with most families, even in Seoul. I think things are starting to change in the younger generation, but most of them don’t have families of their own yet so it’s not really visible.
All these things are related to “manners”, a concept which is extremely important to Korean culture. I find this notion particularly interesting because different cultures have very different opinions about what good manners are. In the US we do not slurp our food or we do not push each other out of the way to get where we are going. We also don’t bring food to people we don’t know, or strike up conversations with foreigners to practice their language and tell them “America is number one country”.
People often tell me Koreans are rude, and I don’t blame them. But I do ask them to revise their opinions slightly, and see the cultural differences present in society as just that, not polite or rude, just different. It is true however that Koreans are more adherent to their cultural norms than Americans. This is probably because the US has such a variety of cultures that these rules had to become more flexible, as we are witnessing today in Seoul. When people tell me that Koreans are rude I tell them a few stories that show that it is a bit more nuanced than rude or polite, good or bad.
In Korea you will never be robbed. They say you’re more likely to see someone running after you holding your wallet than running away from you holding your wallet, and as far as I can tell, they’re right. It is also customary to eat food while you drink alcohol[1]. So I’m often sitting with other English teachers drinking, and some nice man will come up and hand us a plate of fruit or chicken, and either carry on his way or talk with us briefly. Koreans often invite us to sit with them and buy us food and drinks.
One time I was traveling along and spending the night at a national park when it began to rain. I was eating dinner at a restaurant, and within a few minutes I was approached by some kind Korean hikers. They asked where I was from and soon invited to eat with them. They paid for my meal and drinks, and then asked me where I planned to spend the night. When I told them I had no plan, maybe I would seek refuge in a nearby hostel or if I couldn’t find one head back to the city, they immediately assured me it was no problem; they had an extra tent and blanket, and were more than welcome to stay with them. I had an amazing night staying up drinking and conversing with my new friends, and in the morning they cooked me breakfast and asked me to spend the day with them. Unfortunately I was looking forward to a challenging hike that they were too hung over to accompany me on, but you get the idea.
How could anyone consider these generous seouls (sorry about that) rude? Well not all Korean manners are considered kind by westerners. Koreans are notorious pushers. As far as I know there exists no word in Korean for excuse me. It is all too common rough push in the back or the side while standing on the subway or walking through the street and their on their way. This is particularly common if their older than you. They also “eat deliciously” and spit voraciously. This means making as much noise as possible, especially when downing noodles or soups or when they walk up to the urinal next to you and huck a loogy that would make a 13 year old bully cringe with nausea. I have had many Koreans inform me that these things are actually considered bad manners, but as far as I can tell, from Seoul to Jeju, the vast majority of Koreans engage in these practices.
Along with this they have no concept of small talk. I will often walk out of my room in the morning or come home in the afternoon and my host mom will not say a single word to me until she calls me for dinner. For a while I would try to make conversation, using the little Korean I know to ask about her day or how she slept, but I was met with little encouragement. Eventually another teacher at my school informed me that it makes Koreans feel awkward to be asked a simple question like “how are you”. They would rather just walk by in silence unless there’s something meaningful to say. To a westerner this seems counterintuitive, by making small talk we progress to significant conversation. My family hardly even talks to each other except for when the parents (generally the mother) yell at the kids to do their homework or stop fighting, and the boys are often downright rude, staring at the TV or phone as their mom tells them to come eat their dinner.
I had an experience today that drove home these dichotomous behaviors. After saying farewell to my friend in Seoul, I sat waiting for a subway heading for the airport to return to Jeju after a month abroad. As I was reaching for my iPod, a man approached me. He was very kind and genuine, interested in practicing his English and learning about me. As we sat on the subway conversing quietly, a woman sitting across the aisle screamed out something in Korean at us. The man looked embarrassed and whispered to me, “she said to shut the mouth”. Having lived in Korea for 6 months I wasn’t the slightest bit offended, but highly amusing. We kept quite after that, even though the lady sitting adjacent to us smiled and told us she did not think we were speaking too loudly. As we came to my stop I waved merrily at the rude old lady and carried on my day.
Anyway I guess what we can draw from this is that some Koreans are really kind, and some are not, some like foreigners, and some don’t. Pretty much like anywhere else right? So maybe the only difference is that in Korea they are more obvious about it, they’ll bring you food or push you out of the way, where in the US well probably just glare or smile. Who says people in the east are more introverted? I kid of course, in many ways they are, but at the same time I think that’s way too general a statement to make about any culture. In some ways, like the ones I've just described, they are far more open, especially if they are older than you are. One thing's for sure, the older you are, the more you can get away with, but you’ll also probably be paying the bill at the end of the day. I guess when you put it like that it doesn't sound so different from the US J
[1] I think this stems from the fact that Koreans drink a lot but their bodies aren’t particularly good at metabolizing alcohol, hence the Asian glow, so food helps with that. Studies also show that eating helps reduce a hangover and other bad things that go along with excessive drinking
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